The World's Worst Supernatural Story
by MiscellaneousSoup
Summary: I take my lack of knowledge about Doctor Who and exaggerate it. Rated T for death. (This is a follow-up to my similarly satirical Doctor Who story.)


**A/N: Just like Doctor Who, I also know little to nothing about** _ **Supernatural**_ **. Let's see how many hate comments I get.**

Sam And Dean's Supernatural Adventures, As Written By Someone Who Has Never Seen The Show

By Zachary Krishef, Contributions From Friends

Dean and Sam Winchester drove around in a car, randomly firing off weapons whenever they saw anything remotely odd. A vampire? BOMB! A demon? Shotgun! A really hairy guy who may or may not have been a werewolf? Run them over! After five hours of this, they stopped for a break.

Sam jumped out of the car. "Hey, Dean, we're brothers!"

Dean nodded. "Yes, we are. Want to kill some more monsters?"

Sam fired a rocket launcher into the air, immediately turning several birds into roast turkeys. "Sure! But...something seems missing."

A woman burst out of the rest stop. "Hi, I want to be the very first female character on the show who doesn't get killed. I have a well-developed personality and characteristics that don't revolve around a man. My name is-"

Sam and Dean shrieked like scared toddlers and drove away, leaving her in a cloud of dust.

Meanwhile, in the deepest depths of the underworld, several members of a cult were planning an evil mission. Those members? Satan, a random angel, Frankenstein, Dracula, one of the creatures from the Black Lagoon, several zombies, and the Boogeyman.

"We need to kill those kids!" Satan yelled, pounding on the table with his tail. "I'm tired of them going around the world and slaughtering my minions, over and over and over."

" _Your_ minions?" Dracula scoffed. "Hey, buddy, you know how hard it is to get an army of vampires? To say nothing about the zombies, they're too stupid to do anything by themselves." Hearing this, one zombie nodded in assent, only to get whacked by another.

The angel spread its wings, trying to get everyone else to shut up. "Silence! Sheesh, it's so hard to get a word in edgewise. First of all, I'm still trying to figure out why they're doing this. Are they bounty hunters? Were they traumatized by a childhood accident? Are they just incredibly prejudiced against the differently-powered? And another thing, God exists, angels exist, and basically any mythical creature you can think of exists. How does this make any sense, even for this world? I've taken vacations to other realities and you would be surprised by what's going on. I mean, what's next, aliens?"

At this, the other creatures began arguing again, only stopping after a scuffle broke out between one of the zombies and the creature from the Black Lagoon.

Satan pointed to a world map. "Dudes, Feathery-Wings is right. Sooner or later, all of us will be dead. I hear that the Blob was vaporized just last week. We need to band together and- Wait, did anyone else hear that?"

A woman dressed in combat gear shimmied down from a rope. "I'm a character with a completely static personality. My father trained me to stop monsters and I'm going to kill all of you." Before she could begin murdering all of them, Dracula drained her blood.

The angel and the devil shook hands. "So it's agreed." Satan gave a hideous grin. "It's time for yet another plan to destroy those kids, and the world."

Back on the road, Dean and Sam were talking on the phone with Castiel. They were debating the best ways to kill monsters. "So, Castiel, you're an angel. Also, you're like a brother to me." They could hear him on the speakerphone, but static interrupted it. A giant pit opened up and swallowed the van.

Dean shut off the phone, cutting Castiel off. "We'll talk later." Before he could do anything, Satan teleported inside the van, holding a knife to Sam's throat.

"Kill him, don't worry about me!" Sam said.

"Take one step and I'll slit his throat." Satan growled.

Dean shrugged. "We die all the time, ugly. Go ahead, do whatever you want to him."

Satan frowned. "...Dude, really? That's your brother."

Sam nodded. "No, it's all good." Satan stabbed him in the head, sending blood and gore everywhere.

Immediately, Sam's ghost popped up. "See? Easy peasy. Look, Dean's dead right now." Indeed, Dean had somehow died just by seeing Sam die.

Satan gaped in confusion. "What?! So, you're, like, immortal or something? How can you get resurrected so easily? Wouldn't there be mystical laws preventing that?"

Dean and Sam, now alive again, mowed Satan down with a gun in response. Sam pulled out a beer to relax from the stress of dying. "Say, Dean, didn't I just die a while back? I thought you were really upset because you thought I wasn't coming back."

Dean blinked nervously. "I have no recollection of that."

 _..._

 _Seven weeks ago…_

"NOOOOOOOO!" Dean wailed, cradling Sam's dead body. "MY BROTHER IS DEEEEEEEEEAD! I'LL KILL EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD IF IT WOULD BRING HIM BACK! I'll eat my girlfriend alive if it would help make his bloody, mangled corpse speak again!"

Behind him, his girlfriend looked concerned. "I have a name, you know. It's-" A fridge fell from the sky, crushing her to death.

… _._

Sam scratched his head. "What ever happened to her soul, by the way? Shouldn't she have come back to life?"

Dean made a noncommittal grunt. "Don't know, don't care. We've had so many female characters die over the years, I've lost track."

…

"Dean and Cas looked intimately into each other's eyes. Far longer for it to be casual. "No homo." Dean whispered intensely. It then rained.

…

Sam shifted nervously. "Dean, I have a confession to make. It's really hard to say, even though this is 2016, but I think I might be bisexual."

Dean gave him a high five. "Great, dude!"

Sam slapped him in the face. "I LIED! Our show's never having any diversity! Want to go shoot more monsters?"

At that moment, a random woman of color ran up. "Hi, I have a problem. There's a giant scorpion monster rampaging around my town and I need you to help."

Sam and the woman immediately began making out. Dean creepily watched them from inside the van, taking pictures. After they noticed him, he said, ""It's not weird! Arararara!" Sam immediately fired a crossbow at his face and then went back to making out with the woman. Dean's twitching corpse still took pictures.

Suddenly, a gremloblin walked up. "I demand a human sacrifice."

Despicably, Sam shoved the woman away. "Take her, I'm too awesome to die!" She immediately died a messy death, while Sam and Dean chanted, "Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!"

In the middle of noshing on her spleen, the ghoulish creature dissolved into a pile of dust. Before him stood Buffy Summers, carrying a stake and looking awesome. "I've heard about you two numbskulls. You're awful people and you deserve to die."

"What are you going to do about it?" Dean sneered. "Your show ended years ago and we're getting a twelfth season."

Sam held up a giant foam finger. "We're number one, we're number one!"

Buffy smiled. "I'm going to kill you in the most karmic way possible. To me, my Scoobies!"

Xander, Willow, Giles, Angel, Jenny, Cordelia, Oz, Faith, Anya, Riley, Tara, Spike, Dawn, Kennedy, and Andrew all came riding in on horses. They shoved the two heinous brothers into a cramped refrigerator and blew the entire thing up with one thousand sticks of dynamite.

 _Sam and Dean would later be regenerated as sentient human trash cans. The show would be revived as a variety show, only to be cancelled in favor of_ Supernatural: The Next Generation _. Said follow-up would be diverse in every possible way and critically-acclaimed, mostly for barely acknowledging the first series. Buffy and the gang would go on to be famous in the hearts of many until the end of time. Zachary Krishef would be burned at the stake for making this story. Everything was as it should be._

 **THE END**


End file.
